a little bit better

so, she has definitely been a little bit better the last few days.  she slept the night through the night before last and last night she slept until 4 am when she couldn’t find her blankie so I had to go in and find it for her. She cried a few times again, but i just left her as I told her that i would not come back in until it was the morning.  She wanted to get up and go upstairs.

It’s 6:30am and I am showered and dressed, ready to go.  Going to the airport to pick up stew.  8:45 can’t come quick enough!

She is so excited to see her daddy today.  For days all she has been talking about is when daddy comes home he’s going to have a special present for her and his plane is going to land land land.  when she see’s him she’s going to jump and scream, like this AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i like daddy better

that’s what she said to me last night while putting her to bed.  She was saying all sorts of things last night, stuff that I really didn’t like.  She said that she doesn’t like it when mommy gets angry and ask why.  Not really sure what that meant, I don’t ask her why, or at least I don’t think I do.  it was obvious that she understands that mommy is getting angry, I was trying and have been trying to make her understand why I am angry, or upset.

I’ll say it again, this is the hardest job I’ve ever had.  Nothing compares to it.

time does not heal all wounds, it’s what you do in that time that does

take care of yourself…..you can’t give what you don’t have

up three times

so, she was up at least three times last night.  she was difficult this am, but i just sorta let her do her thing, which does not feel right, I feel as if I am letting her get away with everything, but things have been much better.  I’m not going to stress out if she doesn’t eat, takes a while to change her diaper, wants milk.  Whatever it is, I’m just not going to let it get to me, it’s just not worth it,.  Not only does it ruin my day, but hers, hemi’s stew’s everyones.

She’s just about to wake up from her nap, hopefully she will be in good mood when she awakes.  It’s raining for like the 50th day in a row…going a little stir crazy.  It’s so tough having a 2 year old when all it does is rain!!!

grumpy again

so when I picked her up from daycare she was an angel, they said that she was perfect and had a great day.  We got home, she was perfect.  took a nap and woke up grumpy.  She wanted something in the drawr , definitely need to get rid of that.  She saw the cookies we had made the other day and wanted one of those.  I gave her one, she wanted to put sprinkles on it, after she did it, she wanted them all off.  When I couldn’t get them all off, she had a tantrum.  started screaming no talk to me, no look at me, mommy sit over there.

I’m not getting angry, it’s just not worth it, at least not until stew is home.  I hate this

wish it was a better morning…

So, this morning I woke Hudson up around 6:20, just to give her plenty of time to get ready to get ready.  We came upstairs, she asked for milk, which I gave her.  She wanted to watch wow wow wubzy, so I said ok.  I told her that after she watched it, we would get ready to go.  Then she wanted grapes, so I gave her some grapes.  When I tried to change her diaper she went absolutely ape shit.  Which, in turn made me do the same. I yelled at her, she covered her ears, I yelled.

It was awful.  i hate that I got that angry that I yelled.  I apologized after and gave her a balloon, which seemed to make her happy.  I think she understood that I was very sorry for yelling at her and that mommy was wrong.  Once we got to Nike she was happy happy happy.  She did say to me “I don’t like you mommy”  It broke my heart.  Broke it, stepped on it and smushed it.

I feel like a horrible mother, horrible.  I feel like I have nothing to give her, really I do.  I’ve got nothing going on of my own.  Basically, I’m just living day by day, not doing anything but taking care of Hudson.  Not taking care of myself I guess.  i guess it’s  obvious because one of my friends pointed it out to me.  I need a hobby.  Did’t that happen on housewives of ny????

Thank god for daycare today…just wish it was all day.  Going to pick her up in 45 minutes, better go enjoy that time to myself

more later.

i feel mean

I feel horrible about today and tonight.  I got so angry/sad/upset/frustrated with her today and I honestly hated every minute of it.  Bedtime could not come fast enough, I just did not want to be with her.  I wish so much that I had family here that I could drop her off at.  Thank god for daycare tomorrow, it’s only 8-noon, but it’s something.  I cannot explain how much I look forward to Tuesdays and Fridays (daycare days)  Is it horrible that I feel that way?  I really would like to put her in daycare a few more days a week.  I think it may be best for both of us.  I really hate to say it, but she is driving me  crazy!!!  Today I had to go into my closet and scream and all I could think to myself is this is a 2 year old that is doing this to you.  How are you allowing her to do this?  She’s 2.  I have to teach her.  I don’t know how to teach her when she doesn’t seem to hear or listen or take in anything that I say.  Is this normal behavior for  a 2 year old?  I’ve talked to a handful of friends and not one of them have gone through what I do on a daily basis, crazy?  Is it me?  Am I doing something wrong?  Am I worrying too much?  Making a big deal out of nothing?  I don’t think so, but I would right?

Going to bed, really really really really really really really really really really hope tomorrow is better.

drill sergeant

that’s exactly what I feel  like at the moment.  My day started out with Hudson starting her day at 6am, oh and she was also awake at 3:30am, only for a minute, but I still had to get up, go in her room, find her blankie, tuck her in and turn the night light on a bit more.

Had a pretty horrible day.  Nothing I do for Hudson is right.  If I give her milk in a blue cup, she wants it in a pink one.  If I give her fish for a snack, she wants veggie booty.  I am desparatley trying not to be a strict, mean mom, but that seems to be the only way that I can get through to Hudson.  All day, she was yelling at me, nothing I did was right, and what can you do, she’s 2 1/2 .  I keep saying that to myself, even wrote it down on my list of the day….I guess so I’d have a reminder througout the day.  tonight when I put her to sleep, it was another argument.  I finally had to put her in her crib, talked very very stern with her and said goodnight.  I hated it.  No talk to me mommy, no look at me mommy, no, no, no!!!  that is all I hear all day long.

I am honestly starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me, am I a horrible mother?  Everything I do, I do for Hudson.  My whole world has changed to fit her, I go to gymnastics for her, to pump it up, for her.  My day, life everything revolves around her, so when she is so nasty (yes that is how I feel she is behaving)  to me, I just wonder why?  what in the world have I done to deserve this?  I know that is awful to think, but it’s how I feel, sorry.

Today I am over this whole mommy thing and to tell you the truth, I feel like this more than I don’t.   That is why I have decided to write it down.

It’s 9pm, just starting to wind down.  Going to watch the bachelorette

Fingers crossed I’m not up tonight, but I’m sure I will be.

it’s so funny, i just read over this post and it sounds ike such petty little things I am complaining about with Hud…thing is this is going on in my life all day long.  I really do feel like I’

today

I am sick.